Good Evening Stamping Friends!
I know it's been a seriously long time since I posted to my blog & I thank each and every one of you for your prayers, cards, emails and concerns for me. I appreciate you all so very much & I'm so happy to have such positive people in my life!
I am doing much better with my daily struggle dealing with my brother's death....thanks to an awesome counselor--Hi Jane! I took her advice & seriously took some time for myself (after a pretty hectic summer schedule) to really focus on this final phase that I'm in. Unfortunately, this phase is the hardest but at least I know that the light is getting brighter at the end of this tunnel I found myself in.
Grief is NOT easy & everyone grieves differently. I had to push my grief aside & deal with all the ugliness that came with Rodale's death. I put the game face on & faced everything that was thrown at me head on. I honestly don't know how I made it through most days & to further delay my emotions; I've kept myself extremely busy. Well, that was a huge mistake & my trip to Convention this past summer was the beginning of my most recent breakdown. When I took a moment to just relax; that was when everything that I had been hiding came crashing back to reality. I struggled everyday that I was there to stop crying & have a good time. Thank goodness I had an awesome roommate that actually listened to me & it felt so good to talk about what I am dealing with.
I also know that most people mean well when they ask you how you're doing even though in reality; they really don't care & DON'T want to hear it and the most synical question that seriously brings out that anger that I'm dealing with---Gosh, are you STILL grieving over your brother? You really need to get over it & just move on! All I can say is that people are cruel....very cruel when it comes to death. This is a process & not one that goes away after a few hours or weeks. Some people take years to get over....really get over a traumatic death. My baby brother's death was so very traumatic on so many different levels that it's not even funny! I lost my mother to breast cancer back in 1998. She suffered a very long & slow death. I just recently lost my grandmother who also died very slowly. When a person dies slow; you have a chance to adjust, to actually get used to the idea that this person will no longer be in your life. It doesn't mean that you don't cry & grieve for them when they're finally at peace but it's a much easier pain to handle or at least this has been my experience. I am not able to go into details about my brother but what I've found out has not been pleasant & the more I'm interviewed; that bandage gets ripped off that sore even harder and I'm beginning to resent the Government more & more each day. I will never get closure here....I barely got his body & this is just the tip of the iceberg.
My shining star is knowing that I am almost done! I'm not rushing, hiding or keeping myself so busy that I can't think straight anymore. I have taken a step back to really just focus on me & that's the best advice Jane gave me. I also talk with my husband a lot more because he was so very worried about me & just wanted me to *express* myself or let go of my feelings somehow. Talking is awesome & it really helps when you have someone that really cares about you to help you through those dark days. I'm no longer asked "Are you ok?" the statement is "You're going to be OK" and I can smile a real smile because I know that I will be.
My smile is much bigger tonight because I've been accepted to be a member of the Color Me Beautiful Design Team & we make our debut tomorrow! Why a design team you ask? I needed to get back to having fun & not just creating for my business. I miss doing challenges & I'm looking forward to participating in those once again. I'm not going to sit here & promise that you'll see a post every day but you should see at least 2 although I'm aiming for 3. I've found that if I don't *plan* things; they actually happen so just make sure you come back tomorrow to see my *simple debut* card for Color Me Beautiful!
Hugs & Love,
Oh Sweetie, that post was amazing. I am so sorry for your loss and I just wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug right now!! WE hate to see our friends suffer through grief and wish it was as simple as a getting over a cold...but it's not. It is a process and the hardest one we will ever go through. Hugs to you my dear friend!!! I hope today brings you joy!ReplyDelete
Jackie, I am so sorry about your loss. I did not know you lost your brother. I am glad to hear that you have take time for yourself and that you have such a supportive and loving husband.ReplyDelete
Jackie, it's nice to see a post from you again :) I happened to glance at a thumbnail and saw it was from your blog and came over straight away. And let me just tell you that i can *hear* in your words the healing - and you are doing exactly what you should be - taking it slow. No one can stamp a time frame on grief. I know this firsthand! One of the hardest things is the people around you afraid to say anything, tip toeing around or simply avoiding but those are all natural, normal human responses to the process. A big hug and pat on the back to you for making the next step in healing.ReplyDelete
Congrats on your DT assigment. I'm sure you will do great things!
I was so happy to see your name on our team! I hadn't heard from you in a while and knew your brother had died and assumed you were taking a break. I am so sorry that an already difficult situation, was also complicated with other things. I can't say I know how you feel (each situation is different for each of us), but I do understand coping with a sudden death of a loved one and it does take time. I'm praying that God will continue to bless you with his presence and grace. Hugs to you, my blogging friend and again, I am so happy to be sharing the design team with you!! You are one amazing lady!!ReplyDelete
What a true piece of honesty...I am so proud of you for posting this... It gas been a year sine mt daddy went to HEAVEN and almost 16 months since Wally . my husband left us too... I was consumed with wanting to make it easier for my daughters and and our grand children and his other loved ones,ReplyDelete
so my grief went to the way side ...
January was hard , with nothing to do, but this summer even harder... I do not know how long I will grieve...maybe forever
but I do believe it is ok to miss them, they were powerful men in my life : )
but more importantly, I want to ALWAYS REMEMBER them...and I am trying to show that to my daughters and grand children too
I pray for that PEACE for you, and a comfort that you feel it is ok to live , and go on... hugs , very special hugs, from my heart to yours
Sonja Please know you can always talk with me
Welcome back, sweetie. One day at a time. You're right... everyone grieves differently. Do what works for you and the rest of them... well. You are the only important one in the equation. And I'm so proud of you for finding help.ReplyDelete
Congratulations on the DT! I look forward to seeing your creations. Hugs!
Jackie, I just want to give you a big hug and take your pain away. No one can know what you have been through unless they are you and should not judge the handling of grief which has been yours alone. When I finally found you at convention, I wanted to spend some time with you but as you know convention is such a busy place. I am happy that I at least could say hello and give you a quick hug. You were the only person I tried to find there as I feel that somehow we connected on line. I will continue to pray for your healing and that you will get support along the way.ReplyDelete
You can delete this after reading it if you'd like and not post. My main purpose is ending the note to you to tell you that you are loved.
Jackie, I have been wondering what had happened to you. I know we only share comments back and forth on our blogs, but I noticed that you had been absent from our normal thread on SCS.ReplyDelete
You take all the time to heal that you need and tune those cruel people right out. MiamiKel is absolutely right...no one can stamp a time frame on grief.
Welcome back Jackie. You have been missed. So sorry to hear about your brother. Grief is a very private matter and we all have to deal with it in our own way. No one can tell you to "get over it". You don't "get over it". Good thoughts and prayers are coming your way as you travel through this sad period.ReplyDelete
So glad you are taking care of yourself.
Congratulations on your acceptance to the Color Me Beautiful design team.
Welcome back Jackie - we missed you!!!!ReplyDelete
Welcome back Jackie! I am so very happy to see you back creating and doing what you love. Glad that you found the love and support that you needed to get through the darkness. May you continue to find strength each and every day. *hugs*ReplyDelete