Friday, August 31, 2012

It's Been a While......

Good Evening Stamping Friends!

I know it's been a seriously long time since I posted to my blog & I thank each and every one of you for your prayers, cards, emails and concerns for me.  I appreciate you all so very much & I'm so happy to have such positive people in my life! 

I am doing much better with my daily struggle dealing with my brother's death....thanks to an awesome counselor--Hi Jane!  I took her advice & seriously took some time for myself (after a pretty hectic summer schedule) to really focus on this final phase that I'm in.  Unfortunately, this phase is the hardest but at least I know that the light is getting brighter at the end of this tunnel I found myself in.

Grief is NOT easy & everyone grieves differently.  I had to push my grief aside & deal with all the ugliness that came with Rodale's death.  I put the game face on & faced everything that was thrown at me head on.  I honestly don't know how I made it through most days & to further delay my emotions; I've kept myself extremely busy.  Well, that was a huge mistake & my trip to Convention this past summer was the beginning of my most recent breakdown.  When I took a moment to just relax; that was when everything that I had been hiding came crashing back to reality.  I struggled everyday that I was there to stop crying & have a good time.  Thank goodness I had an awesome roommate that actually listened to me & it felt so good to talk about what I am dealing with.

I also know that most people mean well when they ask you how you're doing even though in reality; they really don't care & DON'T want to hear it and the most synical question that seriously brings out that anger that I'm dealing with---Gosh, are you STILL grieving over your brother?  You really need to get over it & just move on!  All I can say is that people are cruel....very cruel when it comes to death.  This is a process & not one that goes away after a few hours or weeks.  Some people take years to get over....really get over a traumatic death.  My baby brother's death was so very traumatic on so many different levels that it's not even funny!  I lost my mother to breast cancer back in 1998.  She suffered a very long & slow death.  I just recently lost my grandmother who also died very slowly.  When a person dies slow; you have a chance to adjust, to actually get used to the idea that this person will no longer be in your life.  It doesn't mean that you don't cry & grieve for them when they're finally at peace but it's a much easier pain to handle or at least this has been my experience.  I am not able to go into details about my brother but what I've found out has not been pleasant & the more I'm interviewed; that bandage gets ripped off that sore even harder and I'm beginning to resent the Government more & more each day.  I will never get closure here....I barely got his body & this is just the tip of the iceberg.

My shining star is knowing that I am almost done!  I'm not rushing, hiding or keeping myself so busy that I can't think straight anymore.  I have taken a step back to really just focus on me & that's the best advice Jane gave me.  I also talk with my husband a lot more because he was so very worried about me & just wanted me to *express* myself or let go of my feelings somehow.  Talking is awesome & it really helps when you have someone that really cares about you to help you through those dark days.  I'm no longer asked "Are you ok?" the statement is "You're going to be OK" and I can smile a real smile because I know that I will be.

My smile is much bigger tonight because I've been accepted to be a member of the Color Me Beautiful Design Team & we make our debut tomorrow!  Why a design team you ask?  I needed to get back to having fun & not just creating for my business.  I miss doing challenges & I'm looking forward to participating in those once again.  I'm not going to sit here & promise that you'll see a post every day but you should see at least 2 although I'm aiming for 3.  I've found that if I don't *plan* things; they actually happen so just make sure you come back tomorrow to see my *simple debut* card for Color Me Beautiful

Hugs & Love,